we couldn't win in the end

2006-12-23T23:06:00.000-08:00

You Are An INFP

The Idealist
You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.
You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

What's" Your Personality Type?

2006-12-08T20:48:00.000-08:00

Your Birthdate: December 1

You don't just believe in love at first site - you've experienced it.You develop crushes pretty easily, but keeping your interest is another matter!You are very prone to love - hate relationships.
Number of True Loves You'll Have: 2
Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 4
You are most compatible with people born on the 1st, 10th, 19th, and 28th of the month.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanforyourlovelifequiz/">What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

Your Love Number is 1

You tend to be a stubborn lover, holding your ground in every argumentYou take your time falling in love. You aren't the type to lose perspective.You are loyal (to a fault), and you require the same loyalty in your sweetheart.At your best, you are a wise and inspiring partner - who sticks around.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatisyourlovenumberquiz/">What Is Your Love Number?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/">What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest:
You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you.
At Your Lowest:
You require a lot of attention and praise.
In Love:
You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are.
How You're Attractive:
You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic.
Your Eternal Question:
"Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's" Your Power Color?

2006-11-19T06:51:00.000-08:00

i'm so sad, i can't even describe.

i want to run away with someone; any takers?

2006-11-17T08:22:00.000-08:00

eh.

things are weird.

i hate feeling insecure like that.

i hate having these expectations you know?

just tell me what you want and not let me guess okay?

2006-10-10T05:22:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking.
Why is it a sin to end you're life?
I mean, its your life, your choice right?
you benefit from ending your misery and sacrifice the possibility that life may just get better.
What's wrong with that? (MPC=MPB)

I mean sure, you hurt the people around you.
So does this mean that for a person whose family members have passed, and has no friends, then its not a sin for him to commit suicide? (MSC=MPC ie. no negative externalities ; in fact without your existance everyone has more oxygen no?) Because technically he won't be hurting anyone else.

Anyway these kinds of things can't be measured. what if the benefit you gain from ending your misery outweighs the pain of those you live behind?
i mean we always think of them as selfish but who is there to cry with them when they struggle with their depression, the inability to understand why they are the way they are? Why they hate themselves so much, they deserve to fucking die. why they are always doing the wrong things, always offending people, why them, why can't they just be like everyone else. Obsessed over their imperfections, obsessed with hurting themselves so much so that its so hard to concentrate on anything else. How much they want to tell someone, but so afraid no one would believe. So afraid of the careful approach towards them thereafter. SO NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. AND YOU NEVER WILL.

2006-10-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

Just so you know,
I'm going to make it.

2006-10-07T03:49:00.000-07:00

you know what?
this is horrible.
i think i can't do it.
are you listening?
come save me.
i promise i'd give you all of me,
like i've never did before.

2006-10-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i feel so sad i just want to sit in the middle of the road and cry. wanna lay with me and just forget the world? More like letting cars chase us.

i think i feel that familiar depression creeping back.

i don't want to be the kind of person who sulks about her life, and depression and cutting herself and dying every other day. i really don't. But then, i have no one else to tell. I think after the As i need to get rid of all these shit. I think i need someone to tell me that im just being melodramatic and that im really am normal. Because that, i can handle.

2006-10-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

i hate myself sometimes you know?
i really really do.

why can't i have a different face, body, intellect, character, life.
i think i'd never be happy with myself.
i think i need to work hard at making myself happy with myself.
which means changing.

why can't i just be superficial and not think?
oh wait. but i am superficial.

all that studying is making me talk nonsense. all i want is to lie at the beach all day and learn how to surf. I want to be be a character in the OC. a pretty superficial messed-up two-dimensional self-absorbed character whose greatest worry is the next big scandal.

2006-09-30T00:32:00.000-07:00

You could be happy, i hope you know.

Am I ready for forever?
Oh, God, show me a sign
'Cause if we're to be together,
Then it's got to be divine.

2006-09-28T03:22:00.000-07:00

Today marks the birth of Chrystal-Muggershit-Yeong.

Okay, i know i've said this plenty of times but this time its for real. and shut the fuck up about the boy crying wolf, i dont care. Anyway, so i admit that i've never really actually studied for an exam because it means i can always blame my results on the fact that i didnt study and everyone will just oh yah no wonder yada yada and i wont get the pitiful oh-man-she-studied-but-what-happened-look. but fuck it, i'm finally gonna study this time round.

its not about the intellect man, its the determination. If i fail, i'm going to brand myself a failure forever. The thing is I always whine that life sucks and my luck is bad. Whatever man. Life sucks because i fed it the fucking straw.

I Know i can do this man. I'm going to show you that if i really want something, I'd get what i want. Sounds self-convincing? Maybe. Everyone's going to work hard too? Maybe. I'd work twice as hard. Think this is another spur of the moment thing? We shall see.

The A's is one son of a bitch i'm going to defeat. Even if it kills me.

The game is on dude. Bring it on.

2006-09-27T17:23:00.000-07:00

today i woke up feeling god damm terrible, like i cried for hours straight or something. i think its because today marks the start of studying again, or that we're getting back the results which i know is going to be bad. SO its just facing the reality that i've managed to avoid so far by trapping it in the closet.

all i can say is FUCK.

2006-09-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

i don't get people who constantly put the blame on others for their own fucked up life. I mean grow up and get over yourself already, at least admit that you choose your own misery.

2006-09-25T03:04:00.000-07:00

Monday, 25th September 2006, approx 6am.

Something happened that changed my life.

I GOT MY FIRST FREAKING 13YAO.
OMG.

okay, only those who actually play mahjong would understand the joy.
HA. my now favourite tile- yi wan, was fang by Mr CCY.

anyways, the guys were hilarious as usual. getting all high at 6 am in the morning.
now i remember what i missed, and if i can say so myself. it is impossible to stay pissed at you bunch. now i see the charm, somewhat.

When it comes down to it, you guys would be the one i'd remember.

2006-09-23T17:46:00.000-07:00

Okay. So i had a really weird dream

I was studying with Mattew who was scolding me
Nellie Tan was doing chinese
Bonnie was asking me which guy or girl i liked, and i told her vanessa?
My dad was wearing my class pull-over while buying metal plates for my sister, and he paid for it in coins. i remembered $31.50

I'm scaring myself with my weirdness.

2006-09-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

you know what i lovelovelove doing? -

lying on the wrong side of the bed, on a saturday morning with the cold cold aircon, listening to my music and thinking about stuff, falling in and out of sleep. i LOVE it.

and i also love that almost nobody reads this, so i can write whatever stupid thing that comes to my mind (:

2006-09-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

you know

i always knew my life would end in tragedy
somehow.
i don't know how i know that
maybe its just that i can't imagine myself ever being old and happy.

2006-09-21T03:43:00.000-07:00

For Jacob who wanted to live and to feel.
Who said that thoughts are King.

I want to meet a writer.

2006-09-21T01:09:00.000-07:00

Today i woke up all confused
So i went to swim to clear my mind
After a few laps i saw this guy looking
So i looked away
After 40 i was tired and so i stopped
And so he came into the pool
"Hi, Erm excuse me"
We talked for abit
He was dark with a tattoo on his left back
A swimmer's body (i think)
I didn't know what to say so i swam off
And later put on my shirt and took out my ipod
The book was good
The Weather complimented it
Before he left
He smiled, said goodbye
Wished me luck for my exams
All i could think off was how red his face was after swimming.
Later i bought some fruit
And walked home
Somehow things felt weird, but not exactly in a bad way.
.

"She'd rather not fit in, than looked like she was trying to."
Maybe i was meant to be the one always looking in
Sometimes i feel i do it on purpose

2006-09-20T16:08:00.000-07:00

It just isn't enough for me.
I'm not one to ever settle for Less,
So i guess i'd be looking for something else.

2006-09-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

WHY OH WHY

am i made to study history?

i tell you. its punishment.

i must have been some evil dictator who practised totalitarianism in my last life.

Maybe Hitler.

2006-09-18T03:39:00.000-07:00

'Cause none of us are angels
but you know i'd love you still.

2006-09-17T19:04:00.000-07:00

maybe i shouldn't be doing this on the morning of an econs paper
but then again, who cares

something's not right though

2006-09-17T16:54:00.000-07:00

The paper cuts the cheating lovers

The coffees never strong enough

I know you think its more than just bad luck

2006-09-16T05:36:00.000-07:00

Hey ho let's go

I'm gonna start a riot

You don't wanna fight it

One two fuck you

Don't tell me what to do

I don't wanna be like you

Can't you see it's killing me

I'm my own worst enemy

Knock me down I'll keep on moving

It's the art of losing

Fit the mold and do what you're told

Get a job and start growing old

9 to 5 can make your dreams come true

But I don't wanna be like you

I'm not cool and I'll never be

I break the rules and I guarantee

I don't want your sympathy I just need a little therapy

At least that's what they say to me

2006-09-15T11:15:00.000-07:00

i wanna write about something,
but i have no words
only all these worries

this path of self-discovery is just taking too long.

p.s i really don't care what you or anyone else think of me.
Never Did. Never Will.
And that's the one thing i can take pride for.

You can take away anything from me, but you can't take me away

EMO SHIT

2006-09-13T21:06:00.000-07:00

GO TO HELL LAH.
i dont care already. tired means tired, don't want to study already.

why can't i live in hawaii where people surf and drink cocktails all day.
i swear i'm goin to make it big one day and screw this freakin lifestyle.
BAH.

2006-09-09T03:29:00.000-07:00

. i wish life were like the movies

2006-09-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

you used to be so cute,
i never would have thought i'd be disgusted, ashamed of you.

2006-09-06T11:55:00.000-07:00

my latest addiction-
really fun, go try it too.

2006-09-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

All the heartache that they say
Never completely goes away

2006-09-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

what's this? anyway i so proudly wanted to show everyone this picture i photoshopped. but blogger wouldn't allow it. bleah. i know, by everyone i mean myself. oh well, lets play pretend and you shall be my audience okay?

2006-09-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

if you don't already think i'm weird enough, i shall list a few of the weird things i like.

1. guys wearing matching outifts, doing cheesy choreographed moves in a group. ( but they can't be chinese! 5566 = just ew. though 5566 is technically not made up of guys.)

2. people who usually wear contact lens to wear specs - thus giving them the casual sexy sleepy just-got-out-of-bed look. /which leads me to -

3. guys who put on specs when they are reading- thus giving them the i'm secretly intellectual though i try not to show it look. (but erm, they have to be moderately athletic and good looking if not they'd end up looking loserish and geekish. ha. unless they r like seth cohen who is loserish but extremely goodlooking and thus excused.)

4. a bowl of green apples in a white room. (doesn't it just look happy and refreshing!)

5. washing the dishes, then they'd look so nice and clean and i will have a deep sense of satisfaction

6. waking up EARLY in the morning. gives me a good feeling. like i usually wake up at 7plus on non-school days. though i get sleepy after breakfast and go back to sleep at around 9. ha oh well.

7. leaving cups of water around. cause i'd think that the cup i was using is dirty/ a lizard has fallen into it , so i'd change cups repeatingly thus irritating the hell out of my parents.

8. imagining myself pointing a gun to my head. (its weird, the image just suddenly pops into my head from time to time. the weird thing is the lack of pain, or sound or blood. just relief?)

9. my favourite bread plus half side kaya, half side peanut butter, topped with cheese. YUM.

10. seeing nice clothes on people/ buying nice clothes for people. ( i don't know why! i just don't like it when people wear ugly clothes. which is weird, not like my clothes very nice. ha oh well. future career as a personal shopper. any takers?)

ha. okay thats all folks! i'm tired and i'm far from getting my studying done. and i'm caring far less than i ought to.

i hate it when my memory doesn't belong to me anymore. when it has to be pieced from pictures, words of people i don't trust.

2006-09-01T09:43:00.000-07:00

am i the only one who opposes of what david blaine does?
i mean, i don't care if it's black magic or supernatural, but it's just wrong to bring birds back to life and help the homeless win the lottery.
i mean, doesn't it just change the natural order of things?
wouldn't people just naturally start thinking whether he could bring people back to life?
i mean even if his 'magic' is fake, isn't it wrong to show it on television and create this false impression?

today i spent my day lying around thinking about all sorts of stuff.
i ate 82343498 tons of chocolate and thought and thought and thought.
i really need to stop thinking and start studying.
how ironic.

2006-09-01T02:18:00.000-07:00

a day out and they stared in silence

he was past his prime

she was losing herself

a bell goes off somewhere

they are all the same

suddenly, i feel so very lonely. i think i need to go the 1.99 shop to shop for a friend. maybe i'd find one with nice packaging- batteries included.

2006-08-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

i'm having a BAD DAY.

i hate hate hate things not going my way.
i officially want to die.

i'm sick of the food i used to like.
i'm sick of the people.
i'm sick of the music.
i'm sick of myself.

i'm sick of my stupid boring meaningless life.

i want to strangle my stupid throat.
i hate the word stupid.

2006-08-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

2006-08-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

can i ask something?
where is everyone? why am i always the only person online?
hellohello, what is everyone so busy with? why do i have nothing to do

okay i get it. i think i'm just a really boring person. i think if i met me, i'd be super horrified by the extent of my lack of a character. no wonder i'm such a bad conversationist. shit. another reason why i shouldn't be in the media business. i think i should go learn some jokes so i can pretend that i'm interesting.

okay so you think i blog way too much right?
it isn't my fault that i have no one to talk to
or that i'm boring what.
so sad.

2006-08-28T04:34:00.000-07:00

its true you know, that hope is essential to life.
hope is truthfully the only thing giving me a reason to go through all these shit.

i really don't understand how some people let others get to them so much
sure, i care about what others think about me but ultimately, the only thing that'd stop me from 'living' is myself. i realised i'm really losing confidence in myself. in the past, at least i always thought that i'd have something different to offer. but now. its like, i'm willing to admit that i'm weak and dumb and that i give up.

i give up trying to be something better than myself, i give up aiming for the 'high-life'. i'm truely amused if/when people comment that i'm smart or anything. seriously, i mavel over how entirely wrong they are. and i wish they wouldn't think that way because i seriously dread the day they realise how truely stupid i am (aka. a level results day). it makes me feel horrible when people say things like that because it just hurts even more that the truth is otherwise.

i wonder how others can dream of such big things for themselves. is it because they are confident of their abilities? or that they are more optimistic about the future? it's not that i can't too. it's that i don't dare to. i do wish i could work in some big American media company, or be the producer in some great talkshow like theoprahshow. or grey's. you know something that can actually move people. create an epiphany. something that can provoke. or be involved in one of those great films that have influenced me and my school of thought so much. (omg fucking cheesy but true)

BUT. if anything, i'm realistic. i see so many other people far more talented than myself. and i know i don't deserve it. forcing my way in would just spoil the essence of the art (for others and for myself). i think art shouldn't be forcefully developed, it should be something so natural as its beauty comes from its unpredictable nature and novelty. when you love something so much, you wouldn't want it to be ruined. especially if you're the one who ruins it.

Thus, as much as i'd like to convince myself that i merely lack the confidence in myself, deep down i know that i'm just not up to it.

so maybe i'd just sell popiah in vjc in the future. i'd be best friends with the bao auntie, the bachormee uncle and the nice security guard.

2006-08-27T23:37:00.000-07:00

i think i screwed up my gp ):
i need someone to come and save me from all these.

and someone needs to bring sexy back

2006-08-27T08:01:00.000-07:00

The PrissDeliberate Brutal Love Dreamer (DBLDf) Mature. Responsible. Aristocratic. Excuse me. The Priss. Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You're highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You'd take brutal honesty over superficiality any time--your friends always know where they stand with you. You're completely unfake. Don't tell me that's not a word. You're also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy. These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards.
You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. And the first to pretend that you're pregnant. LOL. Though you're inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it's not as one of mass destruction. You're choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you're really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing. ALWAYS AVOID: The Playboy, The Loverboy CONSIDER: The Manchild

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: elmoreo

2006-08-26T10:07:00.001-07:00

eh, i'm bored with you. how?
i can't help it, i have erm. short attention span?

they say television can induce depression and anti-social behaviour. do you think it's true? i think maybe leh. no wonder i'm like that

i read an article about this journalist who can't spell. she spells in association with pronunciation. coincidentally she doesnt know her alphabet as well. just like me. i'm really not trying to make excuses for myself. But even now, i can't spell the simplest of words and it irritates the shit out of me. everytime i spell i read out the word in my head and sometimes the word comes out wrong because you don't spell it like it is pronounced. usually i remember words by picturing the way it looks like. as for not knowing my aphabet, i can never tell if h g or f comes first or whether o is before p. not until i sing the whole bloody song out. does it happen to everyone else too?

Edit

i just spelt "symptoms" 4 times in the last half hour. and each time i got confused over the way it's spelt. don't tell me thats normal.

"Many dyslexic people are, in fact, very good readers, but struggle tremendously with spelling or writing."

If you answer 'Yes' to five or more of these questions, then you may be dyslexic, and our Dyslexia Test for Adults will give you a clear assessment:

When writing checks/cheques, do you frequently find yourself making mistakes? haven't got a chance to do so

When using the telephone, do you tend to get the numbers mixed up when you dial?
yes

Is your spelling poor?
YES

Do you mix up dates and times and miss appointments?
yes

Do you find forms difficult and confusing?
?

Do you find it difficult to take messages on the telephone and pass them on correctly?
sometimes

Do you mix up bus numbers like 95 and 59?
dont think so

Do you find it difficult to say the months of the year forward in a fluent manner?
YES

Did you find it hard to learn your multiplication tables at school?
dont think so

Do you take longer than you should to read a page of a book?
yes

Do you find difficulty in telling left from right?
no

When you have to say a long word, do you sometimes find it difficult to get all the sounds in the right order?
YES

Do you have difficulty counting from 100 to 1 (backwards)?
yes. as in i have to picture each number in my head

okay. now is the time to tell me i'm just being paranoid right

2006-08-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

you know what i think?

i think people are too self-absorbed. always creating problems for themselves- for what? just take things easy and don't expect too much. okay, like anyone cares what i think.

fine. moving on. i just heard Mrbrown's much-talked-about my hum podcast. ha hilarious if i dare so admit. and im a erm lky supporter, thus my support extends to well the whole lot of them(i guess). Nonetheless i have to say that clever propaganda really does do wonders man. and slapstick humour at that , what did you just say we are intelligent beings?

speaking of intelligence. did i tell you i realised im like DAMM S-T-U-P-I-D. yes so stupid i have to cap it. i think i want to quit school and join the circus already. oh wait, that requires a skill right?
damm.

2006-08-21T18:46:00.000-07:00

okay, so i woke up feeling terrible.
i think its partly due to last night's ba zhang. ate too much too late.

i'm scaredandjealousandtired you know?
and yes i think i know how you feel

2006-08-20T05:45:00.000-07:00

INSTRUCTIONS: go to your player and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. Only forward if the title is not able to answer your question at all. DO NOT CHEAT!

1. How does the world see me?
Toxic - Britney Spears

2. Will I have a happy life?
An Jing - Jay chou

3. What is your motto in life?
i wanna sex you up-5ive (omg this is so not funny)

4. If you can have one thing in life, what would it be?
One last- taufik

5. How can I make myself happy?
Numb- Linkin Park

6. What can I do with my life?
Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy - Tata young

7. Will I ever have children?
Cartoon Heros - Aqua

8. What is some good advice for me?
Come get some- Rooster

9. How will I be remembered?
What a girl wants - Christina A

10. What is my signature dancing song?
Just to be the next to be with you- Mr big

11. What do I think my current theme song is?
Hallie's song- Eminem

12. What does everyone think my current theme song is?
I miss you - Blink 182

13. What song will play at my funeral?
Live And Learn - The cardigans (Grey's anatomy soundtrack)

14. What sort of men/women do I like?
Perfect Time of Day - Howie Day

15. What is my day going to be like?
Not Alone- Mcfly

16. What kind of children will I have if I have children?
you're Beautiful - James Blunt

17. What kind of person will I grow up to be?
Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefanie

18. What kind of person do people think I'll grow up to be?
Fill my little world- The feeling

19. How will I feel after waking up tomorrow?
Hit or miss- New Found Glory

20. What Kind of person would your future husband/wife be?
Superman- Five for fighting (HAHA)

21. What would your future job be like?
Anything- Leona Naess -_-

22. What would your wedding be like?
4 AM forever - Lost Prophets

23. How would you die?
Bittersweet symphony - The Verve

haha that was fun.

2006-08-20T05:15:00.000-07:00

i feel old. i feel like a housewife. everyday i walk to loyang point to buy lunch and dinner. i choose fruits and biscuits to buy and i think about breakfast for the next day. i'm so used to my parents not being around, feels like the house is mine. i wash the dishes and make up all the rules. i think i'd make a good housewife. ha just that i can't cook. not that i ever wanna be one. i still don't get the whole my-purpose-in-life-is-to-look-after-the-kids-and-the-family thing. SO NOT ME.

it's weird. exams are around the corner. still not really studying. i don't know why. its like i think id just magically do well. ha i'm weird. joy's party was fun, we should do it more often.

was watching unfaithful yesterday. all i can say is STUPID WOMAN. you DO NOT cheat on your husband when he is bloody Richard Gere you moron. whats more, on a guy who speaks funny and sleeps around with other woman. its so sad. how things can be so great, but they are never forever. and the thing is you know it, and you're just subconsciously waiting in fear for that nice feeling to fade. i think its scary cause logically, i do see why she cheats. i mean 11 years with the same guy, and suddenly you meet someone else you like, someone different.of course you'd be tempted. and don't give me the bull that you wouldnt be attracted by anyone else once you fall in love and all that shit. you mean you'd never look elsewhere for the rest of your 50-odds years? you just don't because you know you're not supposed to look. i'm not saying that we should look, its just that love shouldn't be an obligation right? it should be definite and overwhelming and it should be for the right reasons.

2006-08-17T05:34:00.000-07:00

I Feel Lousy.

why are you so predictable?

Be careful, our dreams betray us.

2006-08-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

you know what happiness is?

its something that is so foreign to me that whenever i see a glimpse of it, it never fails to take me by surprise

its a word i hate. its so cliche. its so proud and self-assuming, thinking it is sufficient in justifying all good and fuck all in one word.

I miss having a best friend ):

2006-08-15T06:41:00.000-07:00

tellmetellmetellme

People always say that we should always stay true to ourselves. never change who you are ladidah. But what if you feel that you could become, in your own terms or perception, a "better" person? i mean, obviously we are asking the pathological liars, hypocrites, rapists, sex maniacs, scumbags to change. But where do you draw the line? How do you know when you are starting to lose yourself in the process and how would you know that, that isn't a good thing?

You mean if we are born a certain way - introverted, loner-ish, anti-social, weird , you shouldn't try to change?

the sad truth is either way, your the weirdbleah one or the trying-hard-to-fit-in-but-cannot-wannabe.

i think people should give other people more chances. do we really have to criticise others or is that merely to put us above the rest, superficial boosting of our own self-esteem. Or perhaps the pressure to follow suit to fit in(and here we are thinking- ooh we are such individualists!). at the end of the day, we are the ones that should be pitied. i am one of those people, i admit.

so for that, i'd try to change.
at the end of the day, i WANT to be someone who feels shes good enough, on her own terms.

this aside, without sounding like a total bitch, bitching is fun. okay shit, i didn't just say that.
fun but wrong okay. drill that in.

2006-08-14T10:03:00.000-07:00

if you could live your life all over, how different would it be?
i think mine would be the extreme.
if i had the brains, i may study damm hard to become a surgeon. ha the key word is may. because first of all, it means the sacrifice of half your life, and then more. but it really depends on how you look at it. the way i see it, what you'd gain from it, is something that no other can give.
anyway if you love it enough, you wouldn't see it as a sacrifice right?

but the thing is, just because you have lived your life once, doesnt mean you'd have more courage, more determination, more humanity, or that you'd do the right thing the second time round. life just doesn't work that way
you know i've always had this weird suspicion that after we die, we'd live our life all over again, making the exact same mistakes, and suffering the exact same way. and thus this makes it all a big fury ball of tragedy. it's like, if i think hard enough, i can almost remember the future.

Rememory much?

2006-08-13T08:53:00.000-07:00

have you ever felt that you have so much in common with a person; you hear the same music, think the same way; have the same cynical humour, so much so that there is such great potential of a possibly great connection you could have

Yet you know it would never happen.

Isn't it such a waste

2006-08-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

ha,
thanks for one of the happiest nights i've had in a long time,
we may not be the closest of friends,
but i know i can always depend on you guys
means a lot, really.

p.s remember the house we'd share, with our golden retrievers (;

i want to meet someone different
someone who'd sneak candy into my back pocket
someone who'd wake up early just to make pancakes for the family
someone who'd rather poetry to comics
someone who'd know just the right song to play
someone who'd be confident enough about himself to do the chicken dance infront of the whole school
someone who'd give me a different fruit everyday of the week
someone who'd appear in school with a green mohawk just for the heck of it
someone who'd make it all seem easy
or maybe
just someone different

2006-08-11T08:02:00.000-07:00

but at the sound of the bells you cry, you've lost your mind

Tell me,
where did you learn to shoot your gun so straight

2006-08-08T08:12:00.000-07:00

i had a dream last night
i could'nt see the face.

but it felt more real than anything i ever felt before

is that supposed to be ironic,
or do you just want to keep playing with me

2006-08-04T08:17:00.000-07:00

Eh,

as much as you wish it does, the world doesn't revolve around you, you know?
so get a life man.
you're just as mediocre as the next person

2006-07-26T09:25:00.000-07:00

Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while
Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies
Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not

Let us die young or let us live forever
We don't have the power, but we never say never
Sitting in a sand-pit, life is a short trip
The music's for the sad men.
Can you imagine when this race is run
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders, we're getting in tune
The music's played by the mad men

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?

Some are like water, some are like the heat
Some are a melody, some are the beat
Sooner or later they all be gone
Why don't they stay young?
It's so hard to get old without a cause
I don't want to perish like a fading horse
Youth is like diamonds in the sun and diamonds are forever
So many adventures couldn't happen today
So many songs that we forgot to play
So many dreams swinging out of the blue
We let them come true

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?

Forever young - Youth group

makes me so sad, and happy all at the same time

i'm in horrible person. i know.
tomorrow i'd change, and tonight wouldn't mean a thing.

2006-07-25T07:20:00.000-07:00

my mum told me that i used to be a very happy kid.
i wish i had the chance to know her.

2006-07-23T09:36:00.000-07:00

not for me anymore

2006-07-22T06:59:00.000-07:00

i like to play this game,
where i swim underwater
-feel my heart racing, head exploding
to feel the fear of the possibility of drowning,

: then i chicken out and come out fighting for air.

heh. cheap thrill?

johnathan leong's ahbeng-ness is surprising cute.

2006-07-21T08:31:00.000-07:00

i'm warning you, don't fucking piss me off.

2006-07-20T07:41:00.000-07:00

WHAT AM I DOING?

2006-07-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

someday i'd find it.
whatever it is i'm looking for
that thing that's missing
you, know? the one that makes you lie in bed and wonder what is it that makes all of it just that bit imperfect.

i know i'd find it.
because if i don't, it really is a pity.

Everyday's a Sunday Evening.

2006-07-13T09:16:00.000-07:00

it hurts more than you'd ever know.

2006-07-13T07:50:00.000-07:00

you can't run away from weakness,
you either fight it
or perish with it

i'm sorry it took me so long to realise-
how stupid i've been
to obsess over those people who don't give a shit about me
and neglect those who do

i don't care if its intentional or not,
but it isnt the way to treat a friend
, no matter what

*thanks girls.

i am the master of my faith,
i am the captain of my soul.

2006-07-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

i don't want to be that girl.

that emo, miserable, self-pitying girl in yet another teen drama
the one tainted with stupidity and shame
in danger of dangering herself
the one who pauses for that second infront of that speeding car -everytime
so afraid to trust anyone, especially herself
always waiting for something that isnt there
always having to fight back tears
unsure of what shes trying to prove
her (in)sanity scares her
her weakness disgusts her
her loneliness defines her
queen of escapism

i don't want to be that girl

,yes the one that still carries hope

kingkong is such a kid, i want one too

2006-07-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

taken off somewhere.

hilarious.

You know that book 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus'??Well, here's a prime example of that.
This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca andGary English 44ASMUCreative WritingProf. Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

THE STORY:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before hecould sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. 'Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel.', Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her 'Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman??' she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!?"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

lastly,

"i will stop lovin you only when.. the sun dies. the moon become triangle. the stars taste like strawberry ice blended."

priceless.

2006-07-04T09:02:00.000-07:00

I've got to move on with my own life.

so its goodbye.

2006-07-04T07:04:00.000-07:00

i feel so unsatisfied these days, you know?

i think the fact that i'm always looking for something better prevents me from appreciating the present. the thing is i know it but i can't help it. maybe it's just in me. from young, i couldn't wait to go to secondary school, to go to jc, to get my first job, apartment, to be on my own two feet.

perhaps the high expectations that i have on these stuff kills it for me, because reality can never match up can it?

the fengshui/palm-reading guy told me that i shouldn't be so independent. heh the truth is, i don't know how not to. and the thing is i dont want to change. honestly, to me dependency is a form of weakness

on another note.

HOW TO NOT BE UPSET?! ):

2006-07-02T07:23:00.000-07:00

Would you lie with me
And just forget the world

i get so lonely sometimes, you know?

why do have to be so cute,
it's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

i do try hard to understand you know, sorry if i don't have the right words
sometimes its hard even tryin when im failing with my own life
i dont know what im emoing about, its called post-engmatch depression
i hate that fuckin referee
i hate c.ronaldo
(TV pictures then appeared to show Ronaldo winking towards the Portugal bench as Rooney made his way off. )
i hate that beckham's last world cup ended like that
i hate that beckham cried, and so did gerrard and many others after the match

and above all, i hate that im effected by these at all

I've never been the kind
To ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong
Meant never losin' your self-control

2006-06-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

Your Birthdate: December 1

You are a natural born leader, even if those leadership talents haven't been developed yet.
You have the power and self confidence to succeed in life, and your power grows daily.
Besides power, you also have a great deal of creativity that enables you to innovate instead of fail.
You are a visionary, seeing the big picture instead of all of the trivial little details.

Your strength: Your supreme genius

Your weakness: Your inappropriate sensitivity

Your power color: Gold

Your power symbol: Star

Your power month: January

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

supreme genius?

heh. it's quizzes like these that make me happy.

2006-06-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

2006-06-01T09:29:00.000-07:00

People

Some people talk to talk
And never say a thing.

Some people look at you
And birds begin to sing.

Some people laugh and laugh
And yet you want to cry.

Some people touch your hand
And music fills the sky.

- Charlotte Zolotow

the words they are insufficient
the sick feeling grows stronger
only to push you harder
the music will always be a reminder
forget me not you said.
the fantasies they are but fantasies
but i really do love the way your hair falls
i hate i love missing you the way i do
i love i hate not knowing what to do
there's a difference in me and you
ask me and i'd say
or maybe i'd lie
but it's just that
i care about really deep thoughts.

why are we so pro?

2006-05-25T05:51:00.000-07:00

tonight, all the emo and angst are on mc.

(:

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS.

2006-05-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

do you know im so SICK and DISGUSTED with you.
-again
i don't know what to do. just stay away from everyone and hope everyone else stays away from me.

it's the same pyschological puke i feel when i see a lizard. bah. maybe its just my defensive mechanism kicking in. suddenly i can't wait till after a levels then i can do a 180 turn (360 goes back to the same place duh) and live a different life.

don't think you are even that bit close to me or that you know me.
trust me, you're not and you don't.

2006-05-24T05:26:00.000-07:00

it's times like this when you want to be much more than you are, than you ever would be. i never did understood myself, or anyone else.
i'm confused, my mind thinks too much for its own good.

2006-05-17T06:18:00.000-07:00

i'm so irritated i don't even remember why i was pissed in the first place.
i just know my head hurts and i wanna binge. but i wiped out all the food at home already.

i hate you. you know that? i hate all of you.

fuckoff lah
im emo, but your just another fuckin loser.

2006-05-14T06:38:00.000-07:00

perhaps we give the best of our hearts, to those that hardly think about us in return.

2006-05-12T09:39:00.000-07:00

i was/am sad.
im not totally emotionless okay?

2006-05-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

i want nice kiddy cereal. i want a dog. i want to stop schooling. i want to watch the oc. i want to dance the night away. i want to lock my cello in the closet. i want you to go away. i want all of you to be happy. i want to do well. i want to have all the answers. i want to cry my heart out. i want to own the world. i want forever. i want to beat the crap out of someone. i want to have lots of money. i want to listen to stupid boybands. i want to learn everything. i want to forget. i want time to fly. i want to stop time. i want joy. i want fun. i want seasons in the sun.

i want this.
& i want you to be the one; i want to run away

2006-04-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

i admit im a loser and a failure and a quitter and ugly, untalented ,gross, stupid, lazy, useless, fat and whatever you want me to be, okay?

is that enough?

now would you give up on me
so i can give up on myself

2006-04-23T07:54:00.000-07:00

i hate you
can i eternal-sunshine-of-the-spotless-mind-erase you?

but the very next day you gave it away

2006-04-23T06:26:00.000-07:00

if you're happy and you know you clap your hands!

*silence*

haha! okay. not funny.
that's called self-entertainment/amusement on a sunday night
when you're too lazy to do econs. hee. tmr's horrible blue monday.
im in a weird greedy mood.

2006-04-20T07:36:00.000-07:00

i don't know how to make you happy
if i did; i'd do anything

so just be happy okay?

it hurts that you're not.

we'd both try .its a deal

2006-04-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

i'm so tired.

stop picking on me can?

2006-04-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

i'm not that much of a depressed soul really
and i'm not looking for your pity

so don't look at me like that

i just want to find myself .really

i know i'm contradicting myself with earlier,
but i'm confused

so give me a break won't you?

2006-04-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

don't leave me alone okay?
im scared id sink into depression again
i finally got out of it
i don't want to go back
but i feel it coming

i hate being this weak

i don't blame you for not understanding

2006-04-02T03:43:00.000-07:00

jealousy and regret.
two of my worst enemies

i want to forget about you
to me you never happened

2006-03-30T08:43:00.000-08:00

don't fall for it

don't be stupid enough to fall for it.

2006-03-26T05:45:00.000-08:00

if im gonna do it, i wanna be the best at it.
if not i wouldn't want to ruin it

because its too important

give me something to love
okay?

its weird how those simple words
can express so clearly how i feel
even better than myself

maybe thats why reality cannot compare

if anything,
don't let them take it away.

2006-03-23T07:35:00.000-08:00

Life is all memory, except for the one present moment that goes by so quickly you hardly catch it going.

the ending just left me stunned
im not good with words
its just this aching, uneasiness. you know the feeling you get when you are going to cry

yet again
i don't know what to think

-
i cant wait for the week to end.
then i can lay in bed all day and stare into nothingness

music, please work your magic.

2006-03-19T08:12:00.000-08:00

why?

ive asked myself time and time again.

still no answer.
or maybe im just hiding from it

tomorrow i'd change
and today wouldn't mean a thing

2006-03-19T05:21:00.000-08:00

my heart just sat there - and ached.

2006-03-18T17:49:00.000-08:00

Rules: Bold the following that are true about you and add 5 people who you want to do this at the bottom.

I miss somebody right now.

I don't watch much TV these days.

I love olives.

I own lots of books.

I wear glasses or contact lenses.

I love to play video games.

I've tried marijuana.

I've watched porn movies.

I have been in a threesome.

I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.

I believe that honesty is the best policy.

I curse sometimes.

I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

I'm TOTALLY smart.

I've broken someone's bones.

I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.

I hate the rain.I'm paranoid at times.

I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.

I need money right now.

I love sushi.

I talk really, really fast.

I have long hair.

I have lost money in Las Vegas.

I have at least one sibling.

I was born in a country outside of the U.S.

I have worn fake hair / fingernails / eyelashes in the past.

I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.

I like the way that I look.

I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.

I know how to cornrow.

I am usually pessimistic.

I think prostitution should be legalized.I

think Britney Spears is pretty.

Slept with a suitemate.

I have a hidden talent. talking cock

I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.

I have a lot of friends.

I am currently single.

I have pecked someone of the same sex.

I enjoy talking on the phone.

I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.

I LOVE TO SHOP!Enjoy window shopping.

Would rather shop than eat.

I would classify myself as ghetto.

I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.

I'm obsessed with my blog.

I don't hate anyone.I dislike them.

I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.

I have a cell phone.

I believe in (a) God.

I watch MTV on a daily basis.

I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.

I've rejected someone before.

I like someone.

I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I want to have children in the future.

I have changed a diaper before.

I've called the cops on a friend before.

I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.

I have a lot to learn.

I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.

I am shy around the opposite sex.

I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.

I have at least 5 away messages saved.

I have tried alcohol or drugs before.

I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.

I own the "South Park" movie.

I have avoided assignments at work/school to blog.

When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.

I enjoy some country music.

I would die for my best friends.

I think Pizza Hut has the best pizza.

I watch soap operas whenever I can.

I'm obsessive and often a perfectionist.

I have used my sexuality to advance my career.

I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.

I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".

Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.

I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.

I have dated a close friend's ex.

I like surveys.

I am happy at this moment.

I'm obsessed with guys.

Democrat.

Conservative.

Republican.

I am punk rockish.

I am preppy.

I go for older guys/girls, not younger.

I study for tests most of the time.

I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met. if i choose to

I can work on a car.

I love my job.

I am comfortable with who I am right now.

I have more than just my ears pierced.

I walk barefoot wherever I can.

I have jumped off a bridge.

I love sea turtles.

I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.

I believe in prophetic dreams.

I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.

I'm proficient on a musical instrument.

I worked at McDonald's restaurant.

I hate office jobs.

I love sci-fi movies.

I think water rules.

I went to college out of state.

I am adopted.

I like sausage.

I am a pyro.

I love the Red Sox.

I have thrown up from crying too much.

I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.

I love kisses.

I fall for the worst people.

I adore bright colors.

I love Dear Abby.

I can't live without black eyeliner.

I think school is awesome.

I think pigtails serve a purpose.

I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.

I usually like covers better than originals.

I don't like multi-textured ice cream.

I think John Cusack is adorable.

I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.

I watch Food Network way too much.

I love coaching youth sports.

I can pick up things with my toes.

I can't whistle.

I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.

I have ridden/owned a horse.

I still have every journal I've ever written in.

I can't stick to a diet.

I talk in my sleep.

I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.

I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.

Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.

I have jazz in my blood.

I wear a toe ring.I have a tattoo.

I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.

I am a caffeine junkie!!

I know who Santas L. Helper is.

I read trashy romance novels and I am ashamed.

I love wrestling.

I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.

If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.

I have been to over 15 conventions.

I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.

I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.

I'm an aritst.

I have a goal to collect every Johnny Depp movie ever made.

I have an unhealthy Taco Bell obsession.

I have had a crush on a cartoon character when I was a kid.

I have spent more on anime and manga than many spend on computers or other high end products.

I only clean my room when neccesary.

I have pointy-ended ears.

I have underwear every colour of the rainbow.

I LOVE korean dramas.

I colour-code my wardrobe.I own more than 20 pairs of shoes.

I cry silently and get over things easily and quickly.

I love blasting linkin park at mum whenever she nags.

I love listening to jay chou music.

I love watching cartoons.

I love lame jokes.

I wish I was a tragic hero.

I hate one of my best friends but s/he has no idea.

who i want to do this:

i fucking hate you

2006-03-10T09:04:00.000-08:00

ive come to realise
its the nights i cant handle

today,
i thought i'd be okay
but then i woke up
and then it just overpowered me

all the smses
all the people i can't disappoint

co.

i know you question me
but you don't know how it feels
wait till you know
then come judge me

2006-03-09T06:22:00.000-08:00

i won't stand crying everynight no more
i don't get why they say its easy to just throw everything away

its never easy

its even harder to say i need help
because sometimes i feels im screaming for it
but the people i need it from
won't even bother

i really want to believe that this will all go away
but deep down
i know i don't

2006-03-06T06:47:00.000-08:00

i hate having these fears

you know
those that haunt you where ever you go
the ones that eat you alive

i want to get rid of it all;
vulnerability is not a choice

you can't hurt me
unless i let you

2006-03-06T02:22:00.000-08:00

don't question
don't cry
don't define
don't judge

it is what it is

don't pretend to know;
cause you probably don't

2006-02-25T08:52:00.000-08:00

This is it, life will never be better, or sweeter than this.

this is it.

2006-02-16T03:37:00.000-08:00

"Everybody wants to be happy. Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing."

2006-02-15T04:22:00.000-08:00

secretly shy
secretly weird
secretly hoping
secretly praying
secretly wondering

secretly shouting
secretly hurting
secretly dying